Gamer's Glory - Reviews from the Commode

CURRENT TOP SHELF GAMES

Our Top Shelf games will always let you know what games stay in our systems long after the reviews are done, and are displayed with each post.

Xbox 360 Review - Bioshock
Bioshock appears to be your run-of-the-mill first person shooter, but it's got some extra kick to it. Notably are the rich environments and the interesting storyline. Now if you'd like to experience this game in all its glory, I'd say turn off the lights, put on the surround sound, and get high as a kite.

The game does a great job of immersing you in a strange world right away. In the very first minute, you are underwater, and you see purses and suitcases drift by you as you swim towards an eerie glow on the surface. You come to the surface to find yourself surrounded by the flaming wreckage of a plane crash, which is extremely impressively rendered. As you swim past it, the plane becomes more and more submerged and you swim towards a lighthouse.

Inside the lighthouse, you hear Bobby Darin's "Beyond the Sea" playing (the game got a lot of credit for that on there...) and take and elevator down...way down. You find yourself in the underwater city of Rapture, which acheives a cool feeling of both futuristic and retro 50's, combined with being an underwater city, this is one of the coolest and most original environments seen in recent games. Of course, Rapture was once a happy place for science, but things went bad and now there's mutants and giant drill robots and a host of other cool shit.

"So in what cool ways do I kill people?", I bet you're saying. Well, we're glad you asked. You inject yourself with stuff called ADAM, which can be aquired by killing mutants, and then with a wave of your hand, you can unleash lightning, fire, freezing cold...whatever...good times. You also have guns at your disposal like a good ol' shotgun and a fun-ass Tommy Gun. You have to combine the right abilities you unlock with the right guns and ...hell it gets a little confusing after a while but I guess I was GUI.

So let me round out this lazy little review here by saying this game is definitely cool...just trust us on this one, but if you're just looking to pick up a shooter and start blasting, this isn't the game for you.

StiffDrinks Rating:

8 Scotches out of 10

Public Privates

Jennifer Aniston Topless...Yo!?!?


Is this for real? Who cares...it's fantastic either way. There's a full video out there where these fine soldiers march proudly...we're at full attention.

Manly Movie Moment

We do this to strippers.

All I want for Christmas is Stiff Drinks!

WE'RE BACK! (Again.)


What's that? Happy Holidays!! Yep, your prayers have been answered, we're officially back, which means you're not only getting our gleaming personalities at your fingertips over the world wide interweb, but you'll be getting all of our regular posts:

Manly Movie Moment - We hand pick defining manly moments in cinema and serve it to you on a silver platter.
Manly Movie Reviews - Keeps you up to date on what sucks and what makes our loins quiver.
Public Privates - Displaying pictures of dumb famous girls who once said "now this is only for you..." to guys like us.
Hipster or Homeless? - A survey to see if you're actually edgy with those clothes or if the regular Joe can't tell you from a hobo.
Never on MTV - Badass Music Videos you won't see on MTV, because a) MTV's not cool, and b) they don't play music videos.
Four Horsemen Facts - Just little reminders of how stupid most of the folks around you are...amazing stuff.
MySpace Chick of the Day - A Stiff Drinks favorite...giving props to the best of the best C-teases out there.
MySpace Chump of the Day - Those toolbags you usually see commenting on the MySpace Chick of the Day wall, usually something to the effect of "Oh shit, girl, you can really work it, message me if you want an adventure."...
Gamer's Glory:Reviews from the Commode - Along with current game reviews, we'll display our "Top Shelf Games", which keeps you up to date with whats in our systems, other than heroin.

...and of course other random drabble that comes to our minds.

Well, who could ask for a better gift?


OK, you got us there.

Happy Holidays,
-The Staff of Stiff Drinks

Public Privates

Disney Actress a Nudie-Patuddi

Well hell, I haven't been keeping up with current events, I couldn't even tell you how many touchdowns Michael Vick has thrown for this season, so I'm not sure if this is old news.

An 18 year old Disney actress (star of "High School Musical") has a nude picture out on the internet. This photo leaked some time ago, and has been confirmed by the saucy little actress's publicist that the photo is in fact genuine.

Why is this news you ask? Well if you asked this, you're at the wrong site, my non-verile friend. There's a new naked picture of a hot girl. This event does not get old. Plus she's famous, those are new...public privates. God Bless us, everyone.

Oh shut up...we run a classy operation here...you know how to get the real mccoy, it's out there.

Where the fuck...

Everyone and their stepmum wants to know. Where the fuck have you dudes been? Well ladies and ladies (fuck gentlemen, right guys?) the masterminds that brought you the telephone, the pornographic motion picture and "Stiff Drinks" have taken an extended hiatus to travel to Brazil in search of the worlds next greatest super model. We haven't located her or two of her friends yet, but we did interview a few scrubs in the past few months.

I dunno what all the big hub bub is all about. Brazil is full of 9's, but only a few tens. WE WANT 44's!!

If you find a 44, please write into the blog so we can share it with all the other jet flyin, limousine ridin, sharp dressin sunz-u-bitches.

In the mean time, here is a picture of Jenn Stersomething, that chick who got famous for having bit tits at a football game. Congrats bitch, you have two talent and you weren't even born with them.

Cheers Fuckers!

Manly Movie Review

TRANSFORMERS

We all saw the teaser trailer about a year ago, with simply a shadow and a noise, followed by the Autobots symbol, and that's all most of us 24 year old males needed to decide to immediately fork over our money the day "Transformers" came out.

I feel fortunate to have been a fan of the cartoon at a younger age, and loved all the cheesy lessons of teamwork, leadership and honor. I feel like a lot of the flak that gets tossed at Transformers is people who saw the commercials of giant murdering robots and never saw the cartoon...so they were expecting totally mindless machines. Some critics missed the whole "this is based on cartoons" idea and one girl (obviously) criticized Michael Bay for calling the bad guys Decepticons...go play with dolls little girl, we here at Stiff Drinks played with Action Figures! (Info provided by unofficial Stiff Drinks Street Ninja Shmeegly)

I'll be honest, when the Autobots started talking to each other and to the humans with today's slang (kind of), I was a little uneasy and started to dislike the movie, but the movie so strongly invested itself in "saving the world", "protecting humanity", and "stopping the evil Megatron" (and damn was Megatron a bastard...well done), that I couldn't help but to be pulled back into the mindset of a little kid watching something pretty awesome again. I then started to remember how they all used to talk, and Jazz DID used to speak jive. Best damn thing in this movie to bring you back...they used Peter Cullen as Optimus Prime's voice, the goddman way it should be. He was the original Optimus Prime and was pretty much the voice that taught young bucks like myself how to sack up and fight for justice.

The action...how can big action brawls of giant killer robots not be awesome? They pulled off the action in this one in a big way...almost. You definitely felt you were in the middle of the action, but one thing i disliked is that you couldn't get a clear look at a few seconds in a battle, the camera was shaking the whole time, the robots were gorgeous, give them a few seconds to breathe, huh?

This is a grown up version of Transformers, no doubt, but I think it takes balls to put such blockbuster effects paired with such childish fun, and that's what's cool about Transformers.

We here at Stiff Drinks will rate a movie with what it intends...this was trying to give nostalgia and fun with a fresh new face. Pulled off very well. Don't agree? Blow me.

StiffDrinks Rating:

8 Scotches out of 10

Manly Movie Moment [7/9/07]

Nothing like brotherly love.

Hipster or Homeless?

Send a Comment to Vote.

Never On MTV: Ellen Allien & Apparat "Way Out" dir. Postodellefragole

View It here

QUICK UFC 73: STACKED RESULTS
For detailed results, click here.

PRELIMINARY FIGHT RESULTS
Frank Edgar b. Mark Bocek
– Edgar won via TKO (strikes) at 4:55 of Round One.

Chris Lytle b. Jason Gilliam
– Lytle won via submission (triangle choke) at 2:15 of Round One.

Jorge Gurgel b. Diego Saraiva
– Gurgel won via unanimous decision (30-27, 30-27, 30-27)

Stephan Bonnar b. Mike Nickels
– Bonnar won via submission (rear naked choke) at 2:14 of Round One.

MAIN CARD FIGHT RESULTS
Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira b. Heath Herring
– Nogueira won via unanimous decision (29-28, 29-28, 29-28)

Sean Sherk b. Hermes Franca
– Sherk won via unanimous decision (50-45, 50-45, 49-46) to retain his UFC Lightweight Championship

Tito Ortiz fought Rashad Evans to a draw
– Ortiz and Evans fought to a unanimous draw (28-28, 28-28, 28-28)

Anderson Silva b. Nate Marquardt
– Silva won via TKO (strikes) at 4:50 of Round One to retain his UFC Middleweight Championship.

Kenny Florian b. Alvin Robinson
– Florian won via TKO (strikes) at 4:30 of Round One.

Four Horsemen Facts - 7/6/07

DNA stands for Deoxyribonucleic Acid. 75% of the O.J. Simpson jury did not know that.


...or what Justice is for that matter...dumb fucks.

Myspace Chick of the Day: International

The 'Stiff Drinks' private jets circles the globe in search of the planets hottest myspace chicks. Ok, it's not a jet, it's a moped, but all three of us can fit.

After making one quick stop in Paris, the boys have decided to head to the eastern block, to one of the remnants of the old Soviet Union; The Czech Republic.

It was there that we found Sandra. Sandra is a very 'Americanized' gal from Chomutov; where ever that is. All we know is there must be something in the water in Chomutov, because Sandra is one fine piece of Soviet Machinery. That and we haven't stopped shitting since Prague. And that's along drive on a Moped.

Sandra loves "sex, dancing, dancing and dancing". Lucky for her we liked one of the four. Take your pick.

Never On MTV: Seventeen Evergreen - “Lunar One” dir. Elliot Jokelson

Check it out.

For those loyal readers wondering...

Hello all,

I know some of you have been saying to yourself, "Hmm, some of the normal stuff hasn't been getting posted...and daddy no likey when the normal stuff hasn't been posty"...So I just wanted to let you know what's up.

I recently got a splinter in an "Extreme Man Among Men" World Championship showdown on the banks of the Nile River. I was battling tribesmen far stronger and faster, with much much less to lose than I. Sadly, my Stiff Drinksman spirits proved too big for my very strong, yet very human body. As I felt victory slipping from my fingertips in a final event, I decided to take drastic measures in order to freeze my opponents in fear. My hopes were that they would see what I did to myself, and imagine what I would be willing to do to them if I were willing to do THIS to my own body. Well, let's say it didn't turn out as planned and after thrusting this piece of wood through my upper thigh my "worthy opponents" beat me to a bloody pulp, took my wallet, and have been running up my credit cards with porn website memberships. I waited a week before deciding to see a doctor b/c, honestly, injuries like this are merely a speed bump on a man's road to Stiff Drinksmanhood. After some friendly advice I decided maybe medical attention this one time wouldn't be such a bad idea. The normal posts will be back up soon enough, just give poppa some time to heal.

Look Out Craislist, Here Comes Ebay!

[Courtesy of News.com]

Craigslist, the pioneering online classified Web site, is facing a large new competitor, one that has accumulated insider knowledge of Craigslist's business.

On Friday, eBay's online classified service, Kijiji, made its U.S. debut. For the past two years, Kijiji has operated overseas but is now available in about 220 U.S. cities, said eBay spokesman Hani Durzy.

The auctioneer is up against an Internet icon in the privately held Craigslist. The 21-employee company operates on a shoestring budget, is well-entrenched in every major U.S. city and founder Craig Newmark is beloved by users for his reluctance to commercialize the site.

*Stiff Drink Note: The Kijiji announcement has special meaning for 'Stiff Drinks' contributor Brian Acorn. This now means that Brian has two sites to search through when he wants to look up Transexuals in the New York Metro Area. Go get'm tiger.

[Read More]

Never On MTV: Common "The People" dir. Neon

See Video Here

Myspace Chick of the Day: International

USA girls were in the top spot of yesterday's countdown of things we loved most about America, but there are amazing women all over the globe (duh) and we thought it would be fun to scope some out for our readers in a little post we like to call, "Myspace Chick of the Day: International."

Today's international chick comes to us from France. SACRE BLEU! Her name is Elena and she sort of reminds us of the sexy European chick that the main character in a film about being lost in Europe would meet working on her fathers farm. Oh Oh Oh! Or the sultry secondary chick in a bond film. The one that dates the billionaire villain and smokes those dark cigarettes. In the end she saves bond, but is killed by the her boyfriend during the dramatic showdown/shootout/chase.

None of this is actually true for Elena, she's simply a photog, but isn't it weird how we view European women? Another stereotype about Europeans, or in this case, the French, is that they smoke and drink too much-- a stereotype, conveniently played out in Elena's photos. Uh oh, and there's that dark cigarette! Maybe she is a bond villain. The French are funny aren't they? "Viva la France!"